The trip started out with driving into the ghettos of Minneapolis. After doing a few laps in a packed parking lot, I was finally on my way in. The only thing between me and my disgusting wait was the metal detector. So I took off my earring and necklace, put my purse in the bucket and went through. The security officers were in shock. From what they said, apparently that never happens there. I knew that I was in for some good sh*t after that.
After punching in my social security number on a large touch screen with my back to a row of 20 complete strangers and likely some criminals looking at the same screen, I took a seat in their luxurious waiting area. The SSA's luxurious waiting area is conveniently chalked full of amenities and features like:
- ergonomic metal prison chairs
- solitude (no need to worry about things like windows, fresh air or circulation)
- digital informational messaging throughout your stay (featuring movie stars!) See my favorite video here.
- a man with raggy clothes sleeping in the corner....that mysteriously never gets called
Then there are the classy cliental that frequent the Social Security Administration. Within five minutes of sitting down, the following exchange occurred after an overweight 65 year old woman wearing a 1989 Mickey Mouse sweatshirt beeped going through the metal detector:
Security Officer: "Mam, could you go back to spot where the tape line is and walk back through the metal detector please?"
Bertha: Begins grabbing at the bottom of her sweatshirt and starts pulling her top off while saying "Do you want to frisk me and violate me!? Go ahead!?"
Security Officer: "Mam, that won't be necessary. There is no reason to get upset".
Bertha: "Do you want to violate me, just go ahead!?"
Security Officer: "Mam, that won't be necessary, please put your shirt back on".
After seeing a lot more of Grandma than I had bargained for at 2:00 PM in a public place on a Wednesday, I was thankful that this particular Security Officer had advanced negotiation skills. He successfully talked her into keeping her top on.
While I wish that was the only body part that I didn't wish to see that day...it wasn't.
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| Photo from www.winningateverything.com |
- A couple that smelled like they hadn't showered in three and a half weeks doing a drug deal over the phone
- The same couple talk to each other about their half way house experience and how it was way better than going into rehab
- Multiple people's stomach's that I never ever needed to see
- An Asian girl sporting a copycat of a Beauxbaton School of Magic outfit (but pink). She even had some kind of a hat on!
- And last but not least. Two of the most disgusting female plumber's cracks that I've ever seen. Actually, one of them was more of a "moon" than a "plumber's crack" based on the real estate I was privy to. And if that wasn't nasty enough, it had some kind a rash all over it. I dry heaved for you yesterday, don't worry.
And while I wish that I didn't have to hear from Bertha again that day (the aspring elderly topless dancer)...that would be an incorrect assumption.
SIDERANT: Lately I've been noticing that I have the uncanny ability to quickly pick out which people in a crowd will be voting "no" to our upcoming amendment on requiring photo ID to vote. Well...I was right in this case and had her immediately pegged as a "no" during the metal detector/violation scene.
So, after sitting her plus-sized stripper buns down on the plush metal bench, Bertha let it be known to everyone around her how RIDICULOUS it was that people be required to present photo identification to vote and that if we let his amendment to happen, the government will require anything that they want next year and eventually women won't be able to vote again.
SIDERANT: So no matter your political party or cause, while I can't imagine that this office is a cross section of our nation, I am pretty sheltered and have a feeling that for the most part...this group is indeed our general public. Congratulations. This is the same general public that in a few short weeks...will be voting alongside you. So get your buns out and vote!
But wait, there's more. When I finally got to window #14, I found out some more shocking news. Guess who has an incorrect name recorded with the social security office that didn't match any other government issued identification that she had????? You guessed it, the chick that has two first names...me. Luckily it wasn't too big of an issue and after showing him six different credit cards and types of identification he changed it within the government records instead of making me go through any hassle. But I really need to talk with my parents about this! None of my government issued identification has matched yet!
All and all, while the whole thing was a rather interesting experience at the end of the day I completed what I set out to. I began the process to get my married name! Thank you to all of the kind employees at the SSA that were kind and helpful that day and I'm sorry that you have to work with crazy people!!!
